A Word or Two About Time Travel Safety with Bath Benny

The Blinky and Sal timeline has been reset. Everything is back to normal now. Todd never killed himself. Sal is not in a vegetative state. Spatsby is out of jail. It has all been restored thanks to the valiant efforts of Bathtub Benny. Take my word for it.

Straight from the Pit of HellToddspeed, and Propaganda.


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The Treadmills Made of Mines

[I always liked the “Windmills of Your Mind” song from The Thomas Crowne Affair (1968). This is my sloppy mockery of it and its kooky lyrics. The original song was written by Michel LegrandAlan Bergman, and Marilyn Bergman.]


Like an alabaster hamster snorting a line of moldy bees

Like an esoteric cleric preaching on the chi of knees

Like a sturgeon good at math

Like a German in a bath.

There’s that creep who stands in lines

For the treadmills made of mines.


Like wombats taught to whisper

Or a walrus made to weep.

Oh, look I’ve got a blister.

Have you put the kids to sleep?

Like an anemic brontosaurus

Like a surface that is porous.

Like a fork with just one prong.

Do I look alright in this sarong?


Bears indifferent to plastic

Like a sound that makes you feel

There’s a painting of a lobster

Or a girl stroking an eel.

There’s a sensation that keeps on building

When the circus comes to town.

The Heads try to keep us spinning

But I’m still frightened of the Clown.


There’s a danger of one finding

The lungs of a local mime

Stuffed into a suitcase lining

Before its scented with a lime.

Perchance a purple feather-duster

Or a hasty snark just off the cuff

Will curtail a lion’s luster.

Why aren’t we sleeping in the buff?

Filling red balloons with mustard

Always worked just fine for me.

There’s a startling revelation

That I’ve never had to pee.


Like a wicker orca filled with peanuts riding on antique skis

Like that face you make just before you have to sneeze

Like a leopard who needs a slap

Like a ghost without a map.

A prepubescent hagfish redefines

All the treadmills made of mines.

And the treadmills run on time.


Joncast Momcast – Keepers of the Secret Keys, Episode 8: Special Campfire Edition

It’s been quite a hiatus, but we return just in time for mother’s day for a special campfire edition of joncast with one of our own mothers wherein we discuss group therapy nun slapping, that guy we killed, worst jobs, TV dating show interviews, yaks, talking sex robots, chocolate phallic confections, and a book review. EAT IT HERE

Tell Jimmy Carter to call in and tell us if you’re alive.

Joncast of the Apes – Keepers of the Secret Keys, Episode 6: Medicinal Sodomy

In this thrillingly girthy episode the Jons discuss juggling hobos, flossing, “The Planet of the Apes” franchise, illness in school, and medicinal sodomy in addition to mystery beverages and another exclusive book review. Also we talk about a dude from Tanzania who evidently likes his best Keys when they are Secret. Eat it HERE.

Joncast – Keepers of the Secret Keys, Episode 5: Wacky Races

In this thrilling episode of Joncast we enjoy mystery foods and drinks. Also, we discuss gambling, school underfunding, Deep Roy, experience a riveting book review (complete with ISBN), Warhammer, Dave Coulier, Boylan’s soda, and the impromptu invention of the ultimate form of track race betting. EAT IT HERE.

do you have any grey poupon?

Joncast – Keepers of the Secret Keys, Episode 4: Bamboozled

The Jons get bamboozled, do another book review, rename some classic films, solve the panda bear breeding problem, reconsider the Philippines, start a clothing line, and then get distracted by the computer’s slideshow. Eat it HERE.

I don't get Harry Potter.

Joncast – Keeper of the Secret Keys, Episode 3: Lawless

In this episode the Jons discuss literacy, fish jousting, favorite farm animals, bestiality, magic school bus, college admissions, the name of our band is revealed and we are joined by special guest Lucy “Xena Warrior Princess” Lawless. More exciting mystery foods and a thrilling book review! EAT IT HERE.

pre-War lunchables

Joncast – Keepers of the Secret Keys: Episode 2, the Third Recorded Episode.

In this episode we got book reviews, mystery food, chopsticks, the origins of Easter, terrible food from the Philippines, idioms, and ads! Eat it HERE. Completely random and totally inane.